I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
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