please come you make the beer taste better
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Randomize
