This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
