apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
