I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
