Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
