Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
