He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize