I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
