when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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