I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
