my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
