My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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