Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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