went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
