Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
