Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
