When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
