You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
