i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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