then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
