thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
