There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
