i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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