i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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