My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
