barbara walters just said penis...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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