I showed him my bush... on skype.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
