His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
