New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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