I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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