new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
