My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
You can't motorboat a personality
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
