barbara walters just said penis...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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