I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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