Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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