Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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