All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
