you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
