I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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