just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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