Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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