Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Bring me that man meat
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
