I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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