I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
