Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize