if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
