Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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