I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
