oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
