Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
