My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
