With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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