On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
