She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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