Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She is in my trunk
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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