I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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