she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
