Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize