Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
