Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
