The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
