why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
