Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
